Warning and good news

Hi little bloggie blog blog. Haven't touched base in too long so...here's the scoop. So, on Friday (or thursday, i don't remember), I was checking emails and saw that I had a new message from this guy I used to date (who incidentally is a tremendous kisser and dumped me like a hot potato because he decided that me having a daughter and an ex-husband was more than he could handle). I clicked on the link to facebook and saw that the message from good kisser guy was just "oh ...that's it. there was a video message attached and i saw that there were a few others on the to list who had received the message and wrote comments back. Long story short...i received a string of pop ups asking me to download this, update that and disable x, y and z. so i did. bad idea. WARNING: do not open video messages on facebook. my computer got infected and I had to leave it at Fry's for no less than 4 days to the tune of $60 for de-virusing service. i then spent an additional $20 for a flash drive to back up my data. so lame.

The the good new is that I still have my old toshiba laptop (given to me by a very unsavory character I used to date -- but that another story for another time maybe :-) This laptop is so ghetto cuz my toddle plucked off about 10 keys from the keyboard so i have to use an external keyboard plugged in with a usb cable. so funny.

In other good news, i have been "flirting" with the idea of buying hair extensions to make me feel more lovely and youthful. As I was leaving Forever 21 last weekend (irony here?) the lady at the hair cart in the mall intercepted me and I was down for the tackle. She clipped those puppies in and it was love at first hair flip/swing. I bought em' and really saw it as an investment in my overall happiness as I have been stressing about my hair thinning ever since my daughter was born 3 years ago. i even wore them the rest of the day and my friends didn't even notice. Awesome! Ok, happy monday little bloggie blogg.

"Hi Dad"

the other night i had a dream i had a scary clown tattoo on my lower back, had sex with a guy on ecstacy and then he shaved my daughter's head and wrote in sharpie marker "hi dad". i was terrified what brad would do when he found out. so terrible.

my bubsy

never satisfied

yesterday i did some grocery shopping and came home from work by 3pm (due to a cancellation from a client). i sat on the couch and stressed about exercising or not. i beat myself up for my sister's eating issues and ended up taking a nap with my baby kittens. i woke up, had dinner with my sister and went to an AA meeting where i feel safe, accepted and genuinely liked and loved by many of the women in my group. i came home and had some terrible dreams last night. I slept in until 8:45 which is unheard of. what is wrong with me? i think i'm a bit depressed. i'm feeling a little cynical and even though my life is stable and free from drama...some how i make other people drama my own. i am worried that i need to "get out there" and meet new people because i'm not satisfied with the friedships i have. i feel disjointed. i don't feel like i can really connect with anyone except my cousin who is too far away to "kick it" with. i hate that. i am sick of making plans with people. I just want to have a standing date with my friend like me and maeg's sunday night sex in the city watching extravaganza. i'm sick of feeling unmotivated to hang out with people and needing excuses. i never needed an excuse with maeg. i guess i should maybe go on a date but i really don't want to get on an online dating site and none of my friends have any hot, available man friends. i don't know what i want at this point but that little void is mounting. i can feel it. i don't want to fill it with food, worry or drugs and alcohol (and one of my nightmares last night was that i was drinking and deciding not to tell anyone about it...i hate that). my neighbor drinks and we've been chatting lately. she's a sweet girl but maybe that's where the drinking thought came to mind. i don't know...fuck it. i'm going to work to do therapy with little kids. i think i have a headache.

1 year ago

One year ago today, i left my husband and i never went back. Last year on my birthday, he walked out on me at the restaurant while waiting for my family to arrive and then locked me and my 2 yr old out of the house all because i had expressed disappointment that he did not acknowledge my birthday all day. I could list the insanity of my marriage but suffice to say, he was an angry, volatile, unpredictible person with untreated alcoholism and frightening mood swings.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was bitter sweet. Unfortunately, our anniversary is also going to forever be an oximoron because it is on Valentine's Day. The divorce should be final this month as long as he signs my attorney's proposal. I have outlived a world of fear, isolation and pain this last year and i did it sober.

I was sure he would murder me or at least assasinate my character. I had a panic attack that lasted almost a full week, lost 8 lbs and forgot what sleep was. I sold my engagement ring to get an apartment and be financially stable while getting back up on my feet. All I can say is that everything happens for a reason and i believe my daughter's spirit needed to enter this time/space continuum and hence, she was conceived. I would not change that for anything in the world. Avery breathed life into me. I owe my life to her and i pledge to be the best mother humanly possible.

Thank you to all my friends and family who rallied around me this year and carried me in love across a threshold of pain and uncertainty. I feel 100% stronger and now i am actually glad this all happened.

I was a little sad to be 32, divorced and a mother until i realized that my 31 was so terrible and scary, 32 has to be better. Plus...i don't need anyone to love now because i have my daugher, i have my freedom and i have a my education. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Difficult Child or Stubborn Mother?

My daughter is...willful. I started saying this when she was about 1yr old and now she is three. She hears me, computes the message, ignores and deliberately defies. I used to relish in the drama of that being all my fault somehow but I surrender to the fact that she is just a born leader and a Gemini too. Good Lord help me. Here's what i've found and it really is helping.

"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazllish

I'm just sayin'.

Head Over Heels!

Good Morning World

I'm so Excited about my new blog look. thanks maegan. also, i love fairies. I think my love affair started back in college. I got this beautiful book of fairies and i started to believe. I have this weird shoulder blade that separates from my back in an uncanny way so i've always liked to believe that I was a fairy in a past life (or a fallen angel :-) My daughter's name is English and means "elfin ruler" so i take that to mean that she is lord of the fairies. And...she is very pixie-ish in a devious, naughty sort of sprite-like way. Anyhoo, i stumbled upon Disney's website while looking for activities for my 3 year old and i found my new favorite thing to do -- build your own fairy! Here's the link:

http://pixiehollow.go.com/index.html

It is so fun! you can create everything from her hairstyle to wingstyle to her name. You can even decide which of the elements (garden, light, water, animal) she will precide over. it's fabulouos. you can print stationary or just print an 8x10 of the fairy you make. I like to make then as gifts for neices and little girls but big girls like fantasy too. good clean fun! have a happy monday.

Drum roll please...

I'd like to thank my very talented cousin for pimping out my blog. Maeg, you're the best just like grapes and peanut butter.

interesting

i really like jazz music sometimes.

form and content

maegan's blog referencing the psychology today article INSPIRED me. i found this link on even*cleveland blog linked to A CUP Of Jo blog. i love this guy.

http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l9/jneeley78/?action=view¤t=movies-PR_10_16FINAL_HALF.flv

a new attitude

ok so i cannot stand these templates and it really precludes me from blogging. I wish my cousin would help me update my canned image on this blog site. I changed my display name and i'm hoping it makes me a little more excited abooot this blogging thing. Disconnected was so cynical.

BTW's, went to the L.A. county fair on Friday (opening day for $1), valet parked and ended up spending $120. My daughter had a B-L-A-S-T.

My daughter's best friend

My cousin's love for Suri Cruise inspired me to upload this famously adorable little girl's pic. This is my daughter's best friend, Camila. Next to Avery Audrey, this little girl is the fairest one of all.

ok maeg, here's what i'm listening to

http://www.interscope.com/artist/player/default.aspx/mid/1269/aid/599

i hope you can get to this link. i love this girls' style and i can Totally Relate to this song. hillarious.

7 things

1. i kissed a boy :-)
2. I believe in God
3. Sometimes I cry when i hear music i really love.
4. I turn on 80's music and dance wildly with my 3 year old daughter.
5. I don't ever eat tofu. gives me gas. screw that.
6. I'm sober and i used to be a MANIAC :-) ( I still a streak of maniac in me).
7. I used to bite my nails so bad they would bleed. I took of my fake nails for 3 weeks now and i think i'm over the problem (fingers crossed).

HyperCrush

this is for you maeg (cuz really no one else knows about this blog and i can't email straight to your home so I'd have to wait for you to see an email til you get to work mon. morn.). So, Friday i bought a ticket online to the Hypercrush and Millionaires show at the Knitting Factory (which i've never been to - hypercrush or knitting fact.) I really need to stop with the parentheses. i digress. so my little sister who is 20 and really doesn't know much about hollywood or the club scene since she has to go to all ages events, tells me that her best friend talked to one of the band members of Hypercrush and he said they would go on at 10pm. On the website, i protested, it says the doors open at 7 and Hypercrush's website says they are goin on at 7:30pm. whateves, Jessie says she's been to their shows 20 times and i should trust her. We leave in a caravan at 8:30 and arive about about 9:15. The doors are closed, the show is sold out (my sis and her friends did not pre order tix) and Hypercrush just finished playing. I had my mom sleep at my house to babysit my daughter and i missed out on putting her to bed. i was so bummed. but, everything happens for a reason i suppose so maybe if we had stayed till later, there would have been a tragedy. i don't know but what a BUST. good thing you didn't come maeg.

so...

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

My daddy

So my dad is a drummer and so is every other member of the paternal side of my fam (i guess besides uncle tim but he prolly did a little drumming in the younger years.) Anyhoo, there's my dad in the upper left corner in the back. So rockin, right? i was so angry growing up (there's me on the bottom right). I was the perpetual "victim". Luckily, i'm not anymore :-) i have made peace with my dad who has music in his blood and uses the drums as an anti-anxiety medication. I'm going to see him play tonight and i'm so proud of him. My mom, sister and I took a backseat to the drums while I was growing up but since I was about 18, my dad has been turning it around. He's there at every holiday. He shows up for me and gives cards and gifts even when he doesn't have the money. He does the best he can and he's a really Righteous drummer. (that's for you maeg ;-)

I am so done

Watch the thoughts. Thank God for opportunities. Remember that the water fill up station exists right down the street. No need to struggle. It hurts more to hold on than to let go. Pray for the right thought, action or intuition. Give waht you believe you have. Accept only what you believe you deserve. Love and acceptance. Love and acceptance. Love and acceptance. It is all as it should be. The lotus flower is unfolding just as it should, born fromt he murky waters of pain and darness. Transition, change and evolution are part of healthy life. It's not such a bad thing to be a gypsy if growth is inherent. Believe there is more to come. Ask for the will of the world, the strength and courage to face what comes and the inspiration to create. Be of service. Ask what can be done for the sick (mind-body-spirit). Release yourself of bondage of self. Never judge, lest you one day face such ill fate and be shown through adversity how hard decisions can be to make. Know you are good. Every single person is doing the best they possibly can at any given time. Watch the thoughts, release them in the wind. The ocean always remains. The sun always rises. Love always conquers all.

last night but then today

some stupid drunk girls woke me up banging on my door at 2am again last night. This is the second time since i've lived here and i'm mad as hell. mad as hell. i guess hell is mad. i digress. but the shocking thing is that i woke up this morning as planned and i prayed and meditated. I asked for courage to carry out my God's will for me and I visualized myself being free and not trapped or stagnant. I got some perspective but i have been able to stir up some pissy feelings about those drunk girls. I'm just going to wait and see if someone does it again and then i'm going to maybe call the police and ask how to handle it. I really don't know what to do and it interrupts my sleep. i don't want to cuss these peeps out and wake up my whole complex because they don't deserve to have a bad day too. i mean, why add more negativity. i prefer to pack goodness into the stream of life. On Friday, i was playing with sidewalk chalk with my little girl outside and I wrote some beautiful principles on the ground outside my apt. this morning when i opened the kitchen window, i could see the words "Tolerance", "Surrender" and "Acceptance". That helped me too. Today my depression is totally lifted and I don't know why but "mine is not to reason why, mine is just to do or die" --unknown