HyperCrush

this is for you maeg (cuz really no one else knows about this blog and i can't email straight to your home so I'd have to wait for you to see an email til you get to work mon. morn.). So, Friday i bought a ticket online to the Hypercrush and Millionaires show at the Knitting Factory (which i've never been to - hypercrush or knitting fact.) I really need to stop with the parentheses. i digress. so my little sister who is 20 and really doesn't know much about hollywood or the club scene since she has to go to all ages events, tells me that her best friend talked to one of the band members of Hypercrush and he said they would go on at 10pm. On the website, i protested, it says the doors open at 7 and Hypercrush's website says they are goin on at 7:30pm. whateves, Jessie says she's been to their shows 20 times and i should trust her. We leave in a caravan at 8:30 and arive about about 9:15. The doors are closed, the show is sold out (my sis and her friends did not pre order tix) and Hypercrush just finished playing. I had my mom sleep at my house to babysit my daughter and i missed out on putting her to bed. i was so bummed. but, everything happens for a reason i suppose so maybe if we had stayed till later, there would have been a tragedy. i don't know but what a BUST. good thing you didn't come maeg.

so...

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

My daddy

So my dad is a drummer and so is every other member of the paternal side of my fam (i guess besides uncle tim but he prolly did a little drumming in the younger years.) Anyhoo, there's my dad in the upper left corner in the back. So rockin, right? i was so angry growing up (there's me on the bottom right). I was the perpetual "victim". Luckily, i'm not anymore :-) i have made peace with my dad who has music in his blood and uses the drums as an anti-anxiety medication. I'm going to see him play tonight and i'm so proud of him. My mom, sister and I took a backseat to the drums while I was growing up but since I was about 18, my dad has been turning it around. He's there at every holiday. He shows up for me and gives cards and gifts even when he doesn't have the money. He does the best he can and he's a really Righteous drummer. (that's for you maeg ;-)

I am so done

Watch the thoughts. Thank God for opportunities. Remember that the water fill up station exists right down the street. No need to struggle. It hurts more to hold on than to let go. Pray for the right thought, action or intuition. Give waht you believe you have. Accept only what you believe you deserve. Love and acceptance. Love and acceptance. Love and acceptance. It is all as it should be. The lotus flower is unfolding just as it should, born fromt he murky waters of pain and darness. Transition, change and evolution are part of healthy life. It's not such a bad thing to be a gypsy if growth is inherent. Believe there is more to come. Ask for the will of the world, the strength and courage to face what comes and the inspiration to create. Be of service. Ask what can be done for the sick (mind-body-spirit). Release yourself of bondage of self. Never judge, lest you one day face such ill fate and be shown through adversity how hard decisions can be to make. Know you are good. Every single person is doing the best they possibly can at any given time. Watch the thoughts, release them in the wind. The ocean always remains. The sun always rises. Love always conquers all.

last night but then today

some stupid drunk girls woke me up banging on my door at 2am again last night. This is the second time since i've lived here and i'm mad as hell. mad as hell. i guess hell is mad. i digress. but the shocking thing is that i woke up this morning as planned and i prayed and meditated. I asked for courage to carry out my God's will for me and I visualized myself being free and not trapped or stagnant. I got some perspective but i have been able to stir up some pissy feelings about those drunk girls. I'm just going to wait and see if someone does it again and then i'm going to maybe call the police and ask how to handle it. I really don't know what to do and it interrupts my sleep. i don't want to cuss these peeps out and wake up my whole complex because they don't deserve to have a bad day too. i mean, why add more negativity. i prefer to pack goodness into the stream of life. On Friday, i was playing with sidewalk chalk with my little girl outside and I wrote some beautiful principles on the ground outside my apt. this morning when i opened the kitchen window, i could see the words "Tolerance", "Surrender" and "Acceptance". That helped me too. Today my depression is totally lifted and I don't know why but "mine is not to reason why, mine is just to do or die" --unknown

I'm on a roller KELLster

One day i'm DEpressed, the next I'm teetering on hopeful. It's so crazy and I'm sick to death of it all. But, i'm not gonna drink over it and i'm not going to die so i guess i'll hang on for one more day. I was so bummed earlier on this weekend but i got a much bigger paycheck than i expected ($ always helps) and i got some R&R with the fam and by bestest friend/cousin, Maeg-a-lyn. love me some maegan time. today, avery woke me at 6 am and i was so tired. when i laid down for a nap with her, she was not having it. But, gloriously, rather than yell or stomp around and freak her out, i just explained that "you can go play or lay down but mommy needs to rest". She looked at me and registered it. she actually went into her room and quietly played with her princess castle set. then she put her doll in the stroller and cruised around. It was just enough time (maybe 15 or 20) for me to close my eyes and regroup. I feel like something otherworldly just gave me a shot of strength. We ended the day with a playdate at the park with my single mom friend and that gave me hope. I made Avery dinner. She ate a whole artichoke with mayo and she fell asleep on my lap watching cinderella so i put her to sleep at 6:30pm. i hope she sleeps through the night. But, i'm a little worried because her daddy was supposed to pick her up at 5 or 6pm after his white water rafting trip. i can't get ahold of him on his cell or at home and i'm kind of stressing that something happened. more to come....

over 30

today i spent the whole day at my little sisters apartment with her friends. It was weird. I feel like such an old lady. really, i'm only like 5 years older than many of them but my sister is 11 years younger so it just feels super weird. she had a house warming party and she has a pool which is awesome since it's ba-lazing hot. i got burned laying out at the pool which will turn to tan and although that it such an 80's mentality, hey, what do you want, i'm a valley girl and "80's" is my middle name. anyway, it was hard to sit through but i really didn't have anything else besides laundry and crying about my divorce so i stayed the whole day and then went to the young people's AA meeting with her and her friends. i like going cuz it reminds me how fucked up i was in my 20's and keeps me humble about still feeling fucked up even in sobriety and even with a God of my understanding.
p.s. i love america's best dance crew.