never satisfied

yesterday i did some grocery shopping and came home from work by 3pm (due to a cancellation from a client). i sat on the couch and stressed about exercising or not. i beat myself up for my sister's eating issues and ended up taking a nap with my baby kittens. i woke up, had dinner with my sister and went to an AA meeting where i feel safe, accepted and genuinely liked and loved by many of the women in my group. i came home and had some terrible dreams last night. I slept in until 8:45 which is unheard of. what is wrong with me? i think i'm a bit depressed. i'm feeling a little cynical and even though my life is stable and free from drama...some how i make other people drama my own. i am worried that i need to "get out there" and meet new people because i'm not satisfied with the friedships i have. i feel disjointed. i don't feel like i can really connect with anyone except my cousin who is too far away to "kick it" with. i hate that. i am sick of making plans with people. I just want to have a standing date with my friend like me and maeg's sunday night sex in the city watching extravaganza. i'm sick of feeling unmotivated to hang out with people and needing excuses. i never needed an excuse with maeg. i guess i should maybe go on a date but i really don't want to get on an online dating site and none of my friends have any hot, available man friends. i don't know what i want at this point but that little void is mounting. i can feel it. i don't want to fill it with food, worry or drugs and alcohol (and one of my nightmares last night was that i was drinking and deciding not to tell anyone about it...i hate that). my neighbor drinks and we've been chatting lately. she's a sweet girl but maybe that's where the drinking thought came to mind. i don't know...fuck it. i'm going to work to do therapy with little kids. i think i have a headache.

1 year ago

One year ago today, i left my husband and i never went back. Last year on my birthday, he walked out on me at the restaurant while waiting for my family to arrive and then locked me and my 2 yr old out of the house all because i had expressed disappointment that he did not acknowledge my birthday all day. I could list the insanity of my marriage but suffice to say, he was an angry, volatile, unpredictible person with untreated alcoholism and frightening mood swings.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was bitter sweet. Unfortunately, our anniversary is also going to forever be an oximoron because it is on Valentine's Day. The divorce should be final this month as long as he signs my attorney's proposal. I have outlived a world of fear, isolation and pain this last year and i did it sober.

I was sure he would murder me or at least assasinate my character. I had a panic attack that lasted almost a full week, lost 8 lbs and forgot what sleep was. I sold my engagement ring to get an apartment and be financially stable while getting back up on my feet. All I can say is that everything happens for a reason and i believe my daughter's spirit needed to enter this time/space continuum and hence, she was conceived. I would not change that for anything in the world. Avery breathed life into me. I owe my life to her and i pledge to be the best mother humanly possible.

Thank you to all my friends and family who rallied around me this year and carried me in love across a threshold of pain and uncertainty. I feel 100% stronger and now i am actually glad this all happened.

I was a little sad to be 32, divorced and a mother until i realized that my 31 was so terrible and scary, 32 has to be better. Plus...i don't need anyone to love now because i have my daugher, i have my freedom and i have a my education. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Difficult Child or Stubborn Mother?

My daughter is...willful. I started saying this when she was about 1yr old and now she is three. She hears me, computes the message, ignores and deliberately defies. I used to relish in the drama of that being all my fault somehow but I surrender to the fact that she is just a born leader and a Gemini too. Good Lord help me. Here's what i've found and it really is helping.

"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazllish

I'm just sayin'.