I'm on a roller KELLster

One day i'm DEpressed, the next I'm teetering on hopeful. It's so crazy and I'm sick to death of it all. But, i'm not gonna drink over it and i'm not going to die so i guess i'll hang on for one more day. I was so bummed earlier on this weekend but i got a much bigger paycheck than i expected ($ always helps) and i got some R&R with the fam and by bestest friend/cousin, Maeg-a-lyn. love me some maegan time. today, avery woke me at 6 am and i was so tired. when i laid down for a nap with her, she was not having it. But, gloriously, rather than yell or stomp around and freak her out, i just explained that "you can go play or lay down but mommy needs to rest". She looked at me and registered it. she actually went into her room and quietly played with her princess castle set. then she put her doll in the stroller and cruised around. It was just enough time (maybe 15 or 20) for me to close my eyes and regroup. I feel like something otherworldly just gave me a shot of strength. We ended the day with a playdate at the park with my single mom friend and that gave me hope. I made Avery dinner. She ate a whole artichoke with mayo and she fell asleep on my lap watching cinderella so i put her to sleep at 6:30pm. i hope she sleeps through the night. But, i'm a little worried because her daddy was supposed to pick her up at 5 or 6pm after his white water rafting trip. i can't get ahold of him on his cell or at home and i'm kind of stressing that something happened. more to come....

over 30

today i spent the whole day at my little sisters apartment with her friends. It was weird. I feel like such an old lady. really, i'm only like 5 years older than many of them but my sister is 11 years younger so it just feels super weird. she had a house warming party and she has a pool which is awesome since it's ba-lazing hot. i got burned laying out at the pool which will turn to tan and although that it such an 80's mentality, hey, what do you want, i'm a valley girl and "80's" is my middle name. anyway, it was hard to sit through but i really didn't have anything else besides laundry and crying about my divorce so i stayed the whole day and then went to the young people's AA meeting with her and her friends. i like going cuz it reminds me how fucked up i was in my 20's and keeps me humble about still feeling fucked up even in sobriety and even with a God of my understanding.
p.s. i love america's best dance crew.

Happy Birthday Baby

Today is my darling girl's 3rd birthday and i love her so much i just can't stand it sometimes. I had a really good father's day with my dad, grandpa and uncle. Happy Father's Day guys. And...i watched the Laker game. GO LAKERS! now i'm hooked and will have to tivo it on tuesday night.

oi veigh

Friday the 13th! i totally forgot and my cousin just reminded me. usually fri. the 13th is a cool day for me as my b-day is the 13th of Oct. and all. My 13th b-day was on friday the 13th and it was AWESOME! full moon too. anyhoo, back to today. So i got paid and for some reason i had it in my head that I was going to be paid about $500 more than i actually got paid. I'm so stressed about gas prices that i feel trapped and i panic about having to go ANYWHERE, even to the sparklett's water fill up store to fill up my bottles (i don't have the delivery service). so, i started crying and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was in a VERRY delicate state since then. I was able to stop crying but i was clearly feeling sad. and my poor little girl, she doesn't understand cuz she's only three and i try to put on a happy face for her but sometimes i just break down and cry. anyway, we went to the water store and on the way home we were going to stop at the boba shop and it was closed so we got all sad. and then, we were driving down the street and this IDIOT old man pulls right out in front of me so i had to slam on my brakes to not hit him. the water jug (5 gallon) slammed into the dash and once i collected my self i realized that the cap fell off in the comotion. the water was glugging out gallons of water on my floor upholstery in my Lincoln Navigator. oh no i have to go. will continue later.

Gas Guzzler

It cost $106 to fill up my Navigator at the Costco pumps yesterday. I have to figure out what to do about this situation. Last I checked, I was only approved for a $23k loan and i am upside down on my payment by like $8k (as of April). That would mean i would need to purchase a car for like $15k and there is no hybrid small suv for that price range. I am not willing to get a "car" because i just have too many toys, games and art supplies for my work (community child therapist). I don't know what i'm gonna do about this. well, at least my company reimburses for .34 cents for each mile i drive but it's still not enough when i get reimbursed about $35 per week and i'm spending over $100 to fill my tank. I have to fill up once a week. PLUS my whol ridiculous family (minus my sister whom i ADORE) is in the valley so i wind up driving there almost weekly and that is getting to be like taking a trip to San Diego. And vacations....i feel like i will never take another again. Good thing i live right by the beach so i kind of already feel like i'm on vacay every weekend.

Phat

i'm getting fat. maybe it's just cuz i'm not stressed the fuck out about my husband perhaps trying to kill me. or maybe i'm just eating too much and not working out cuz i'm working more and rewarding myself with food (probably the latter). anyway, my tits are growing and that's a sure fire sign. my bra is tight. by belly is getting a bit fat too and i guess it's good that my thighs are keeping shape. i can't have gained more that 3 or 4 lbs so i'm just gonna lay off the night time chocolate for a while and kick it up a notch with the gym visits and boardwalk skate sessions. my face looks better and not so gaunt but i noticed 4 new gray hairs in my bangs today. that friggin sucks! i like how i can curse in blogs cuz i can't really curse since i have 3 year old (soon to be - in 9 days). i'm thinking about cutting my hair short. probably won't do it though cuz i'm "gutless" (maeg, that's so your mom's influence right there). ok that's all.

June 1st

Happy Birthday Maegan!