Monday, December 8, 2008

Warning and good news

Hi little bloggie blog blog. Haven't touched base in too long so...here's the scoop. So, on Friday (or thursday, i don't remember), I was checking emails and saw that I had a new message from this guy I used to date (who incidentally is a tremendous kisser and dumped me like a hot potato because he decided that me having a daughter and an ex-husband was more than he could handle). I clicked on the link to facebook and saw that the message from good kisser guy was just "oh ...that's it. there was a video message attached and i saw that there were a few others on the to list who had received the message and wrote comments back. Long story short...i received a string of pop ups asking me to download this, update that and disable x, y and z. so i did. bad idea. WARNING: do not open video messages on facebook. my computer got infected and I had to leave it at Fry's for no less than 4 days to the tune of $60 for de-virusing service. i then spent an additional $20 for a flash drive to back up my data. so lame.

The the good new is that I still have my old toshiba laptop (given to me by a very unsavory character I used to date -- but that another story for another time maybe :-) This laptop is so ghetto cuz my toddle plucked off about 10 keys from the keyboard so i have to use an external keyboard plugged in with a usb cable. so funny.

In other good news, i have been "flirting" with the idea of buying hair extensions to make me feel more lovely and youthful. As I was leaving Forever 21 last weekend (irony here?) the lady at the hair cart in the mall intercepted me and I was down for the tackle. She clipped those puppies in and it was love at first hair flip/swing. I bought em' and really saw it as an investment in my overall happiness as I have been stressing about my hair thinning ever since my daughter was born 3 years ago. i even wore them the rest of the day and my friends didn't even notice. Awesome! Ok, happy monday little bloggie blogg.

Monday, November 24, 2008

"Hi Dad"

the other night i had a dream i had a scary clown tattoo on my lower back, had sex with a guy on ecstacy and then he shaved my daughter's head and wrote in sharpie marker "hi dad". i was terrified what brad would do when he found out. so terrible.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

never satisfied

yesterday i did some grocery shopping and came home from work by 3pm (due to a cancellation from a client). i sat on the couch and stressed about exercising or not. i beat myself up for my sister's eating issues and ended up taking a nap with my baby kittens. i woke up, had dinner with my sister and went to an AA meeting where i feel safe, accepted and genuinely liked and loved by many of the women in my group. i came home and had some terrible dreams last night. I slept in until 8:45 which is unheard of. what is wrong with me? i think i'm a bit depressed. i'm feeling a little cynical and even though my life is stable and free from drama...some how i make other people drama my own. i am worried that i need to "get out there" and meet new people because i'm not satisfied with the friedships i have. i feel disjointed. i don't feel like i can really connect with anyone except my cousin who is too far away to "kick it" with. i hate that. i am sick of making plans with people. I just want to have a standing date with my friend like me and maeg's sunday night sex in the city watching extravaganza. i'm sick of feeling unmotivated to hang out with people and needing excuses. i never needed an excuse with maeg. i guess i should maybe go on a date but i really don't want to get on an online dating site and none of my friends have any hot, available man friends. i don't know what i want at this point but that little void is mounting. i can feel it. i don't want to fill it with food, worry or drugs and alcohol (and one of my nightmares last night was that i was drinking and deciding not to tell anyone about it...i hate that). my neighbor drinks and we've been chatting lately. she's a sweet girl but maybe that's where the drinking thought came to mind. i don't know...fuck it. i'm going to work to do therapy with little kids. i think i have a headache.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

1 year ago


One year ago today, i left my husband and i never went back. Last year on my birthday, he walked out on me at the restaurant while waiting for my family to arrive and then locked me and my 2 yr old out of the house all because i had expressed disappointment that he did not acknowledge my birthday all day. I could list the insanity of my marriage but suffice to say, he was an angry, volatile, unpredictible person with untreated alcoholism and frightening mood swings.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was bitter sweet. Unfortunately, our anniversary is also going to forever be an oximoron because it is on Valentine's Day. The divorce should be final this month as long as he signs my attorney's proposal. I have outlived a world of fear, isolation and pain this last year and i did it sober.

I was sure he would murder me or at least assasinate my character. I had a panic attack that lasted almost a full week, lost 8 lbs and forgot what sleep was. I sold my engagement ring to get an apartment and be financially stable while getting back up on my feet. All I can say is that everything happens for a reason and i believe my daughter's spirit needed to enter this time/space continuum and hence, she was conceived. I would not change that for anything in the world. Avery breathed life into me. I owe my life to her and i pledge to be the best mother humanly possible.

Thank you to all my friends and family who rallied around me this year and carried me in love across a threshold of pain and uncertainty. I feel 100% stronger and now i am actually glad this all happened.

I was a little sad to be 32, divorced and a mother until i realized that my 31 was so terrible and scary, 32 has to be better. Plus...i don't need anyone to love now because i have my daugher, i have my freedom and i have a my education. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Difficult Child or Stubborn Mother?

My daughter is...willful. I started saying this when she was about 1yr old and now she is three. She hears me, computes the message, ignores and deliberately defies. I used to relish in the drama of that being all my fault somehow but I surrender to the fact that she is just a born leader and a Gemini too. Good Lord help me. Here's what i've found and it really is helping.

"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazllish

I'm just sayin'.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Monday, September 29, 2008

Good Morning World

I'm so Excited about my new blog look. thanks maegan. also, i love fairies. I think my love affair started back in college. I got this beautiful book of fairies and i started to believe. I have this weird shoulder blade that separates from my back in an uncanny way so i've always liked to believe that I was a fairy in a past life (or a fallen angel :-) My daughter's name is English and means "elfin ruler" so i take that to mean that she is lord of the fairies. And...she is very pixie-ish in a devious, naughty sort of sprite-like way. Anyhoo, i stumbled upon Disney's website while looking for activities for my 3 year old and i found my new favorite thing to do -- build your own fairy! Here's the link:

http://pixiehollow.go.com/index.html

It is so fun! you can create everything from her hairstyle to wingstyle to her name. You can even decide which of the elements (garden, light, water, animal) she will precide over. it's fabulouos. you can print stationary or just print an 8x10 of the fairy you make. I like to make then as gifts for neices and little girls but big girls like fantasy too. good clean fun! have a happy monday.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Drum roll please...

I'd like to thank my very talented cousin for pimping out my blog. Maeg, you're the best just like grapes and peanut butter.

interesting

i really like jazz music sometimes.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

form and content

maegan's blog referencing the psychology today article INSPIRED me. i found this link on even*cleveland blog linked to A CUP Of Jo blog. i love this guy.

http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l9/jneeley78/?action=view¤t=movies-PR_10_16FINAL_HALF.flv

Sunday, September 7, 2008

a new attitude


ok so i cannot stand these templates and it really precludes me from blogging. I wish my cousin would help me update my canned image on this blog site. I changed my display name and i'm hoping it makes me a little more excited abooot this blogging thing. Disconnected was so cynical.

BTW's, went to the L.A. county fair on Friday (opening day for $1), valet parked and ended up spending $120. My daughter had a B-L-A-S-T.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

My daughter's best friend


My cousin's love for Suri Cruise inspired me to upload this famously adorable little girl's pic. This is my daughter's best friend, Camila. Next to Avery Audrey, this little girl is the fairest one of all.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

ok maeg, here's what i'm listening to

http://www.interscope.com/artist/player/default.aspx/mid/1269/aid/599

i hope you can get to this link. i love this girls' style and i can Totally Relate to this song. hillarious.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

7 things

1. i kissed a boy :-)
2. I believe in God
3. Sometimes I cry when i hear music i really love.
4. I turn on 80's music and dance wildly with my 3 year old daughter.
5. I don't ever eat tofu. gives me gas. screw that.
6. I'm sober and i used to be a MANIAC :-) ( I still a streak of maniac in me).
7. I used to bite my nails so bad they would bleed. I took of my fake nails for 3 weeks now and i think i'm over the problem (fingers crossed).

Sunday, July 27, 2008

HyperCrush

this is for you maeg (cuz really no one else knows about this blog and i can't email straight to your home so I'd have to wait for you to see an email til you get to work mon. morn.). So, Friday i bought a ticket online to the Hypercrush and Millionaires show at the Knitting Factory (which i've never been to - hypercrush or knitting fact.) I really need to stop with the parentheses. i digress. so my little sister who is 20 and really doesn't know much about hollywood or the club scene since she has to go to all ages events, tells me that her best friend talked to one of the band members of Hypercrush and he said they would go on at 10pm. On the website, i protested, it says the doors open at 7 and Hypercrush's website says they are goin on at 7:30pm. whateves, Jessie says she's been to their shows 20 times and i should trust her. We leave in a caravan at 8:30 and arive about about 9:15. The doors are closed, the show is sold out (my sis and her friends did not pre order tix) and Hypercrush just finished playing. I had my mom sleep at my house to babysit my daughter and i missed out on putting her to bed. i was so bummed. but, everything happens for a reason i suppose so maybe if we had stayed till later, there would have been a tragedy. i don't know but what a BUST. good thing you didn't come maeg.

Monday, July 21, 2008

so...

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

My daddy

So my dad is a drummer and so is every other member of the paternal side of my fam (i guess besides uncle tim but he prolly did a little drumming in the younger years.) Anyhoo, there's my dad in the upper left corner in the back. So rockin, right? i was so angry growing up (there's me on the bottom right). I was the perpetual "victim". Luckily, i'm not anymore :-) i have made peace with my dad who has music in his blood and uses the drums as an anti-anxiety medication. I'm going to see him play tonight and i'm so proud of him. My mom, sister and I took a backseat to the drums while I was growing up but since I was about 18, my dad has been turning it around. He's there at every holiday. He shows up for me and gives cards and gifts even when he doesn't have the money. He does the best he can and he's a really Righteous drummer. (that's for you maeg ;-)

Monday, July 14, 2008

I am so done

Watch the thoughts. Thank God for opportunities. Remember that the water fill up station exists right down the street. No need to struggle. It hurts more to hold on than to let go. Pray for the right thought, action or intuition. Give waht you believe you have. Accept only what you believe you deserve. Love and acceptance. Love and acceptance. Love and acceptance. It is all as it should be. The lotus flower is unfolding just as it should, born fromt he murky waters of pain and darness. Transition, change and evolution are part of healthy life. It's not such a bad thing to be a gypsy if growth is inherent. Believe there is more to come. Ask for the will of the world, the strength and courage to face what comes and the inspiration to create. Be of service. Ask what can be done for the sick (mind-body-spirit). Release yourself of bondage of self. Never judge, lest you one day face such ill fate and be shown through adversity how hard decisions can be to make. Know you are good. Every single person is doing the best they possibly can at any given time. Watch the thoughts, release them in the wind. The ocean always remains. The sun always rises. Love always conquers all.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

last night but then today

some stupid drunk girls woke me up banging on my door at 2am again last night. This is the second time since i've lived here and i'm mad as hell. mad as hell. i guess hell is mad. i digress. but the shocking thing is that i woke up this morning as planned and i prayed and meditated. I asked for courage to carry out my God's will for me and I visualized myself being free and not trapped or stagnant. I got some perspective but i have been able to stir up some pissy feelings about those drunk girls. I'm just going to wait and see if someone does it again and then i'm going to maybe call the police and ask how to handle it. I really don't know what to do and it interrupts my sleep. i don't want to cuss these peeps out and wake up my whole complex because they don't deserve to have a bad day too. i mean, why add more negativity. i prefer to pack goodness into the stream of life. On Friday, i was playing with sidewalk chalk with my little girl outside and I wrote some beautiful principles on the ground outside my apt. this morning when i opened the kitchen window, i could see the words "Tolerance", "Surrender" and "Acceptance". That helped me too. Today my depression is totally lifted and I don't know why but "mine is not to reason why, mine is just to do or die" --unknown

Sunday, June 29, 2008

I'm on a roller KELLster

One day i'm DEpressed, the next I'm teetering on hopeful. It's so crazy and I'm sick to death of it all. But, i'm not gonna drink over it and i'm not going to die so i guess i'll hang on for one more day. I was so bummed earlier on this weekend but i got a much bigger paycheck than i expected ($ always helps) and i got some R&R with the fam and by bestest friend/cousin, Maeg-a-lyn. love me some maegan time. today, avery woke me at 6 am and i was so tired. when i laid down for a nap with her, she was not having it. But, gloriously, rather than yell or stomp around and freak her out, i just explained that "you can go play or lay down but mommy needs to rest". She looked at me and registered it. she actually went into her room and quietly played with her princess castle set. then she put her doll in the stroller and cruised around. It was just enough time (maybe 15 or 20) for me to close my eyes and regroup. I feel like something otherworldly just gave me a shot of strength. We ended the day with a playdate at the park with my single mom friend and that gave me hope. I made Avery dinner. She ate a whole artichoke with mayo and she fell asleep on my lap watching cinderella so i put her to sleep at 6:30pm. i hope she sleeps through the night. But, i'm a little worried because her daddy was supposed to pick her up at 5 or 6pm after his white water rafting trip. i can't get ahold of him on his cell or at home and i'm kind of stressing that something happened. more to come....

Sunday, June 22, 2008

over 30

today i spent the whole day at my little sisters apartment with her friends. It was weird. I feel like such an old lady. really, i'm only like 5 years older than many of them but my sister is 11 years younger so it just feels super weird. she had a house warming party and she has a pool which is awesome since it's ba-lazing hot. i got burned laying out at the pool which will turn to tan and although that it such an 80's mentality, hey, what do you want, i'm a valley girl and "80's" is my middle name. anyway, it was hard to sit through but i really didn't have anything else besides laundry and crying about my divorce so i stayed the whole day and then went to the young people's AA meeting with her and her friends. i like going cuz it reminds me how fucked up i was in my 20's and keeps me humble about still feeling fucked up even in sobriety and even with a God of my understanding.
p.s. i love america's best dance crew.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Happy Birthday Baby


Today is my darling girl's 3rd birthday and i love her so much i just can't stand it sometimes. I had a really good father's day with my dad, grandpa and uncle. Happy Father's Day guys. And...i watched the Laker game. GO LAKERS! now i'm hooked and will have to tivo it on tuesday night.

Friday, June 13, 2008

oi veigh

Friday the 13th! i totally forgot and my cousin just reminded me. usually fri. the 13th is a cool day for me as my b-day is the 13th of Oct. and all. My 13th b-day was on friday the 13th and it was AWESOME! full moon too. anyhoo, back to today. So i got paid and for some reason i had it in my head that I was going to be paid about $500 more than i actually got paid. I'm so stressed about gas prices that i feel trapped and i panic about having to go ANYWHERE, even to the sparklett's water fill up store to fill up my bottles (i don't have the delivery service). so, i started crying and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was in a VERRY delicate state since then. I was able to stop crying but i was clearly feeling sad. and my poor little girl, she doesn't understand cuz she's only three and i try to put on a happy face for her but sometimes i just break down and cry. anyway, we went to the water store and on the way home we were going to stop at the boba shop and it was closed so we got all sad. and then, we were driving down the street and this IDIOT old man pulls right out in front of me so i had to slam on my brakes to not hit him. the water jug (5 gallon) slammed into the dash and once i collected my self i realized that the cap fell off in the comotion. the water was glugging out gallons of water on my floor upholstery in my Lincoln Navigator. oh no i have to go. will continue later.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Gas Guzzler

It cost $106 to fill up my Navigator at the Costco pumps yesterday. I have to figure out what to do about this situation. Last I checked, I was only approved for a $23k loan and i am upside down on my payment by like $8k (as of April). That would mean i would need to purchase a car for like $15k and there is no hybrid small suv for that price range. I am not willing to get a "car" because i just have too many toys, games and art supplies for my work (community child therapist). I don't know what i'm gonna do about this. well, at least my company reimburses for .34 cents for each mile i drive but it's still not enough when i get reimbursed about $35 per week and i'm spending over $100 to fill my tank. I have to fill up once a week. PLUS my whol ridiculous family (minus my sister whom i ADORE) is in the valley so i wind up driving there almost weekly and that is getting to be like taking a trip to San Diego. And vacations....i feel like i will never take another again. Good thing i live right by the beach so i kind of already feel like i'm on vacay every weekend.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Phat

i'm getting fat. maybe it's just cuz i'm not stressed the fuck out about my husband perhaps trying to kill me. or maybe i'm just eating too much and not working out cuz i'm working more and rewarding myself with food (probably the latter). anyway, my tits are growing and that's a sure fire sign. my bra is tight. by belly is getting a bit fat too and i guess it's good that my thighs are keeping shape. i can't have gained more that 3 or 4 lbs so i'm just gonna lay off the night time chocolate for a while and kick it up a notch with the gym visits and boardwalk skate sessions. my face looks better and not so gaunt but i noticed 4 new gray hairs in my bangs today. that friggin sucks! i like how i can curse in blogs cuz i can't really curse since i have 3 year old (soon to be - in 9 days). i'm thinking about cutting my hair short. probably won't do it though cuz i'm "gutless" (maeg, that's so your mom's influence right there). ok that's all.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

June 1st

Happy Birthday Maegan!

Saturday, May 31, 2008

The beach boardwalk speaks to me

Man have i been messed up the last couple days. First of all, I cried in front of my supervisor at work because she is my NEW supervisor and i stress the word because she is a new supervisor and i feel micromanaged. Next, I checked my online bank statement auto deposit on Friday and my paycheck was about $500 less than i was anticipating due to unforeseen circumstances (holidays and staying home to care for my sick baby on Brad's days to have her). Anywho, i started crying and couldn't stop. My brilliant little sister came with me on my errands assist me as she was worried when i couldn't stop crying. She suggested I read the part of the Big Book on the third step. And...acceptance is the key to all my problems today. then, the next day, i took avery on a stroll at the beach and pushed her while i roller skated. I looked over at the boardwalk wall and someone had written in big letters "Accept". Then, about 3 or 4 minutes later, i saw "Love" written on the wall. Lastly, before i took avery out of the stroller to push her on the swings, I saw "Goodness" written on the wall. It was just what I needed to be reminded of. so thank you to whoever validated my inner truth.
love,
kell

Sunday, May 25, 2008

i love my baby

i had such a stupendous time with Avery Boone this week. I had the tremendous pleasure of caring for my girl for six straight nights and five days. With the seperation, this is a huge feat seeing as "he" takes her three nights a week. When i put her shoes on this morning and told her to get ready because daddy was coming, she said "that's okay mama", probably just to reassure me because she is a brilliant girl and knows when her mom is disappointed. She's going places. My little girl is a star.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

hi maeg

does negative energy count if it's on a blog?
love you
Kell

Monday, May 12, 2008

i'm so fucking pissed the fuck off

first of all my husband (soon to be ex) thinks it's ok to just walk into my apartment when i don't answer. What the fuck!? Next, the stupid religious freak in my neighborhood thinks it's cool to go BANGING down doors touting "the word" in the name of Jesus Christ waking up toddlers at naptime. What the Fuck!? Next my stupid husband thinks it's okay to blow up my home phone at 9:45pm while my toddler is sleeping because I told him it's none of his business if I go to a party on saturday for one hour. What the fuck!? Oh and then he decides to drive his diesel powered truck to my apartment and proceed to yell out from my front yard for me to come out to talk to him (while he's in a RAGE) at 9:50pm. Waht the FUCK?! And finally, some fuckin stupid retarded drunk assholes think it's cool to pull up to my door and proceed to attempt repeatedly to open my front door with their house keys. What the fuck!? at 2am on a sunday night!!! What the FUUUUUUUCK?! So i had a nightmare that I was Anna Nicole Smith and I checked into a hotel that was overrun with zillions of cockroaches. It was a stellar weekend. Fuckin Stellar!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

attention

I'm starting to get attention and my biggest fear is coming to life. My addictive personality is rearing it's two faced head and charmingly lying it's way back into my life. I made amends to an old "friend" with whom I had a harmless brief fling with. Now my bottom line is all smeared because I am in the midst of a divorce but I am very much enjoying the quasi textsex we've been having. I've even tossed the idea in my head of getting together for a cuddle. The whole thing makes me nervous and my evil ways from the past are taunting me "you can't stay faithful in your marriage even if you have been separated for 6 months. You can't bear to be alone. Without anyone adoring you, you don't exist. You are pointless." Those fucking voices! That stupid committee in my head deciding my fate is driving me bananas and coconuts.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

sooooooooooooooooooo excited

sold my ring today (hopefully) for way more than i thought i would get. So excited. And, the guy i sold it to was super cute and it was so fun to flirt with him. Hooray for today. tomorrow's yet another. i shall see what unfolds.