Tuesday, October 14, 2008

1 year ago

One year ago today, i left my husband and i never went back. Last year on my birthday, he walked out on me at the restaurant while waiting for my family to arrive and then locked me and my 2 yr old out of the house all because i had expressed disappointment that he did not acknowledge my birthday all day. I could list the insanity of my marriage but suffice to say, he was an angry, volatile, unpredictible person with untreated alcoholism and frightening mood swings.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was bitter sweet. Unfortunately, our anniversary is also going to forever be an oximoron because it is on Valentine's Day. The divorce should be final this month as long as he signs my attorney's proposal. I have outlived a world of fear, isolation and pain this last year and i did it sober.

I was sure he would murder me or at least assasinate my character. I had a panic attack that lasted almost a full week, lost 8 lbs and forgot what sleep was. I sold my engagement ring to get an apartment and be financially stable while getting back up on my feet. All I can say is that everything happens for a reason and i believe my daughter's spirit needed to enter this time/space continuum and hence, she was conceived. I would not change that for anything in the world. Avery breathed life into me. I owe my life to her and i pledge to be the best mother humanly possible.

Thank you to all my friends and family who rallied around me this year and carried me in love across a threshold of pain and uncertainty. I feel 100% stronger and now i am actually glad this all happened.

I was a little sad to be 32, divorced and a mother until i realized that my 31 was so terrible and scary, 32 has to be better. Plus...i don't need anyone to love now because i have my daugher, i have my freedom and i have a my education. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.


~alison said...

Congratulations on all accounts! You are super strong and that is so impressive. This next year is going to amazing for you. You have already dealt with the worst. NOW - on to greatness. Happy Birthday! You deserve it.

...love Maegan said...

you just gave me the chills!

Yay for 32! Onward and upward!

...love Maegan said...

...and Brad can suck it because that asshole didn't invite me to your 30th! ...which I'm guessing is when that pic was taken.

...love Maegan said...

go to http://riverexpress.blogspot.com/

he's totally about fairies!

Chessa! said...

you are so inspiring. I loved reading that.

Summer said...

Found your blog through Maegan.

Don't you just hate that our 30's aren't any easier than our 20's? At least we have more wisdom to get through it.

And there's just nothing worse than a Panic Attack...especially one that lasts a week. =/ I had the worst anxiety and panic attacks for several months, and I am always afraid of it coming back!

Anyway, long comment. Just love your blog!