Wednesday, October 29, 2008

never satisfied

yesterday i did some grocery shopping and came home from work by 3pm (due to a cancellation from a client). i sat on the couch and stressed about exercising or not. i beat myself up for my sister's eating issues and ended up taking a nap with my baby kittens. i woke up, had dinner with my sister and went to an AA meeting where i feel safe, accepted and genuinely liked and loved by many of the women in my group. i came home and had some terrible dreams last night. I slept in until 8:45 which is unheard of. what is wrong with me? i think i'm a bit depressed. i'm feeling a little cynical and even though my life is stable and free from drama...some how i make other people drama my own. i am worried that i need to "get out there" and meet new people because i'm not satisfied with the friedships i have. i feel disjointed. i don't feel like i can really connect with anyone except my cousin who is too far away to "kick it" with. i hate that. i am sick of making plans with people. I just want to have a standing date with my friend like me and maeg's sunday night sex in the city watching extravaganza. i'm sick of feeling unmotivated to hang out with people and needing excuses. i never needed an excuse with maeg. i guess i should maybe go on a date but i really don't want to get on an online dating site and none of my friends have any hot, available man friends. i don't know what i want at this point but that little void is mounting. i can feel it. i don't want to fill it with food, worry or drugs and alcohol (and one of my nightmares last night was that i was drinking and deciding not to tell anyone about it...i hate that). my neighbor drinks and we've been chatting lately. she's a sweet girl but maybe that's where the drinking thought came to mind. i don't know...fuck it. i'm going to work to do therapy with little kids. i think i have a headache.

2 comments: Maegan said...

Oh, I miss you so much! I wish we were closer or I didn't have such road rage.

Is it possibly pms that's getting you down??? Earlier this week I wanted to stab myself in the eye. Tuesday morning I was so angry, I kicked the cupboard in the bathroom and thought I broke my foot.

I think I thought that I would stop throwing tantrums when I "grew up". ...not so much.

I lub you~!

OMG....the "word verification" below that I have to type says

~alison said...

I am hurting for you.

Question: are you doing anything that makes YOU happy? Anything extracurricular and fun? What do you enjoy doing? Perhaps the void you are feeling is actually in you...I say this because I go through it too and usually it ends up being that I am not happy with ME.